nexus_stables | [[Open to simply_ellie only.]] Warning: Language and suggestive

He pulls her closer, and the cat grumbles and jumps down out of the way.

"It's okay. It's not your fault... I just... didn't want you trying to find someone else for me. I had to say something to stop you... it was the only thing that came to mind."

He still doesn't have the right to tell her the real reason why... not completely. He wants to unmask for her, end all of her confusion...

...But he doesn't have the right to.

Her thoughts and emotions in total riot, she's not sure how to make things better or even if she can. What she had tried to do -- find him someone of his own -- had been meddling of the worst kind and she won't forgive herself for doing that, even if he does.

"I'm so sorry I made you so uncomfortable, I should never have done that. It's just..." Biting her lip, she has a confession of her own. "You're one of the best friends I've ever had and I only wanted you to be happy."

You're my best friend, Michael. God, possibly even more than Anne or Simon or anyone else.

"I know..." He takes a deep breath, inhaling her scent. The truth is, he's happier than he's ever been in his life, with her close to him. "I just don't want anyone else..."

Oops.

Saying that as Simon would be one thing; saying it as Michael... big mistake.

Ellie swallows hard, overwhelmed by what he's just said. Oh, God. Why do people like us have to hide the way we do? What if we'd been able to tell each other what we are that first day? Would things have been different? I would've wanted you as my Dom too.

Blinking, the tears begin to roll down her cheeks. This is wrong, Ellie, and you need to stop it. What would Simon think? He's been so incredibly kind to you, and this is how you'd repay him for that?

"I..." I don't want anyone else either. God help me, but I do.

"Oh God, I'm sorry, Elise. Please don't cry." His heart somehow simultaneously twists and lodges in his throat. He strokes her cheeks, trying to wipe the tears away and erase them.

I never meant to make you cry. I promised myself I wouldn't do that to you. I promised I wouldn't hurt you. Oh, Kitten.

"I didn't mean to force this on you. I..."

Won't mention it again? He knows that's an even bigger lie than ever. It will come up again, sooner or later.

What the hell am I going to do?

She can't even look him in the eye, feeling so incredibly ashamed of herself. Doing her best to swallow the tears down, her throat feels tight too. There are so many forbidden things that she wants: to have the initial on her collar be an "M"; to ask him if there's a hayloft here where they could lie down together; and to be able to tell him about how much she thinks about him, even when she's with Simon.

Finally, she's able to whisper back to him. "You've never forced anything on me." Looking up at him with teary eyes, it's as much a confession as she can muster right now.

He strokes her cheeks again, still holding her closer than he really should in his current guise, with no mask on. I wish I'd had the sense to realize, the night you flubbed "shiitake" for "shibari," what you really were, what we could be... I wish I'd made a move then.

He knows it probably would have been a bad time; she'd been hit on earlier that day by another prospective employer and he was trying to be on his best behavior and the most non-threatening boss possible... but in retrospect...

If I'd taken you home and tied you up that very night, you wouldn't be crying now.

It's not that simple; it never is. But he feels like he's overcomplicated her life so badly.

"I have. Repeatedly. I'm taking liberties I'm not supposed to."

"I... I wish we could go back to the day we met, and..." Unable to finish the sentence, more tears begin to roll down her cheeks. Slowly shaking her head, she can't speak the rest. But he has to know. I love them both, so much.

But Michael, she knows in her heart and mind, is who she wants to spend the rest of her life with. As a friend or otherwise, I can't ever give him up.

Oh God. He misses what she really means, so caught up in self-recrimination.

This is why the Tower generally forbids its masked Doms from insinuating themselves into the mundane lives of their subs. He went around it, because he hungered after her so much... but they knew what they were doing. He has been stalking her.

"...And not have met?" He forces the words out.

Shaking her head, she can't keep a sob from escaping. "I wouldn't have traded that day for anything." The tears continue, unabated. "If the only way to have met you was to have survived Matt, I'd do it again."

Her throat tightens again, not letting her speak as she begins to sob. The way he's touched her life has only been for the better, and if it weren't for him, and how kind and comfortable he'd made her feel that day, she probably wouldn't have taken a chance and submitted her application to the Tower.

He pulls her back into his arms, hugging her tightly. "Oh God, Ellie, I'm sorry... I..."

...still don't have the right to tell her who I really am. When I see her tonight, as Simon, I'll have to ask, because it's only when she gives me permission in that guise that I can. Damn it... she needs to know!

He realizes that he's been rubbing his cheek against hers, and that his lips are seeking hers out, only a second before they'd meet. He freezes.

Ellie freezes too. I don't want him to stop, but he has to. You are a horrible person, Ellie. Karma is going to find you. Shaking now, she's so upset with herself for wanting him to continue.

When she finally speaks, her voice is soft and tremulous. "Can we..." Swallowing hard, it's difficult to finish her sentence. "Can you show me around the stables now, please?"

There's no way she's going to be able to meet Simon later. Not after this. I'll need to text or call him, but I can't. Not tonight. He'd be so disappointed in you, if he were watching you right now.

He swallows, and then gently lifts her to her feet, off of his lap. It takes more strength than it should and it feels like he's amputating a part of himself to do it. But he succeeds and, once he's sure she's steady on her feet, he makes himself stand, too.

"Okay." His voice is still very husky, and rather pained, but he manages. "I... I promise, Elise... I won't impose on you. I won't do, or say, anything in the office to make you feel uncomfortable. And no matter what, you are always welcome here."

Until he gets permission to reveal his real face to her, as Simon... this is what he has to do. What he was supposed to do from the start. Step back and not seduce her in their mundane lives.

Did you think courting her in both lives, being your own rival, was going to end any way but badly? You idiot.

"Lets... start over here..." He leads them away from the hayloft. In fact, he doesn't think he'll dare take her near that tonight.

Even though it had been at her request, having him ease her off his lap feels like the worst separation she's ever had to bear. It's hard to meet his gaze again, wondering what he must really think of her now and the shame still burning brighly red on her cheeks.

"I... I know. And thank you, so much." Feeling sick to her stomach, she's so upset with herself that she could throw up. And that should be the least of your punishment for what you've done.

The marmalade cat is back, plaintively meowing. Picking it up again, it's much safer to hold the cat than reach for Michael's hand.

Tonight. When I meet her tonight in the Tower... I'll ask her to let me take the mask off. She needs to know. Maybe if I drop the accent, she'll know enough to give me permission to show her the rest...

As he leads her over to meet the first of the horses, he makes that promise to himself.

Following Michael's lead, she's loathe to release the cat just yet. It keeps her from hugging him or holding his hand, things that she shouldn't do again tonight. Maybe ever again, she thinks. But the urge simply won't go away.

As soon as I have a free moment, here or back in my apartment, I'm going to be the coward I've shown myself to be and text Simon. I can't see him tonight, maybe even tomorrow. Not until I get my thoughts in order and am ready to be honest with him.

What if I'm not able to do it?

Is this what living a lie is like?

[[Open to simply_ellie only.]] Warning: Language and suggestive

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